Clik here to view.
Everything I could.
It was important to me that my son knew what sex was, first and foremost, so he didn’t feel or look stupid among his friends (like I did when I was younger) because he didn’t know what they were talking about. More importantly though, I wanted him to know the truth about sex from a trusted source, from someone he loves and not from “the boys on the playground,” or worse—from porn.
Granted, I’m certain he did hear and learn about sex from those places as well, but I was glad that I was comfortable enough to have an honest conversation with him first, so when he did hear about sex from the other boys or saw it in the movies, he had a baseline to work with.
I told him the proper names for all the body parts. I told him the improper names for all the body parts. I told him all the slang words I knew. I looked up all the other words I didn’t know. He needed to know that it was safe to ask questions and feel confident in knowing that I would tell him the truth. Even if I didn’t know the answer, I would help him find the answer.
My parents never had any talks with me—about anything sex related. I didn’t even get the period talk. I learned about periods when a girl asked me about it and I said, “Yeah, that’s the dot at the end of a sentence.” I had so much to learn. Sadly, I learned about most of it in the wrong way. I asked my mother multiple times what those pads and strange cotton things were under the sink (I had three older sisters), but she refused to tell me.
When I got my first period, it was my sister who came to my rescue and my friend’s mother who told me what was happening with my body. I longed to have a relationship with my family that enabled me to communicate—about anything really, but especially about things that mattered.
Because I basically grew up alone (my sisters had moved out and my parents were preoccupied) I was fortunate that I had good friends. I was allowed to date a 19-year-old man when I was only 15. He had a full-time job and his own apartment. As a parent myself, I can’t imagine how that was acceptable. As I mentioned, my parents were preoccupied when I was growing up.
I’m lucky I didn’t get pregnant, or worse. The girlfriend of one of my boyfriend’s friends took me to Planned Parenthood and put me on the pill, so I dodged that bullet. I wished it had been my mom who talked to me about options and helped me to be safe.
As my son got older and I knew he may be venturing into exploring his sexuality, we talked a lot about safety. I bought condoms—several types, styles and sizes for him to try and get comfortable with. I also talked to him about the different birth control options girls have.
Given today’s date rape culture, consent is a hot-button issue. It was not something I included in my talk, because it honestly didn’t occur to me. I did talk to my son about mutual pleasure, mutual fun and enjoyment, but not specifically consent. However, I would recommend today’s parents address it as part of their conversation.
The dialogue we started early was so important because it enabled him to feel comfortable coming to me whenever anything was amiss—like a condom breaking and a need for back up birth control. Or, as he got older, just general open conversations.
The biggest thing I tried to relay in the conversations about sex with my son was that sex is good, it’s fun and there’s nothing shameful about it. Yes, sex is serious and it sometimes means commitment, but the most important thing about sex is that you talk about it. Sex is not something that must be done in the dark, in secret that you must ashamed of, as I was taught to believe. It’s an amazingly beautiful part of yourself that you and your partner(s) choose to share with one another.
Sex is about choice. It’s about pleasure. It’s about being protected. It’s about being safe. It’s about feeling good about the choices you make, not being ashamed. There’s no shame in sexuality, no matter your shape, size, gender, orientation, past, preferences or experience level. Your sexuality is part of who you are and there’s no shame in who you are. I love every part of you, and you should too.
As a single mother, I was in a unique position to have candid conversations with my son that many parents—mothers and fathers—shy away from. There’s no reason to shy away from any conversation with your child. If you can have the tough conversations with your child(ren) honestly and respectfully, then you can have any conversation with your child.
When your child wants to talk with you, you gain the world.
◊♦◊
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Photo/Pixabay
The post You Know What I Told My Boy about Sex when He Started Asking Questions at a Young Age? appeared first on The Good Men Project.